Spring Flowers

I was looking at a rose today and thinking about who I used to be and the ideas I used to have about the future. Although I feel like a lot of dreams have been stripped by reality. I have to ask myself why I didn’t fight harder to have faith in them…or to have patience. Patience to know through each disappointment and good is working together. That through it all I already have what I need and what I need is less then I think it to be. What makes a life disappointing? Is it the person’s view of the life, the decisions made, the changes made through it, the wisdom gained, the fun that was found, or the friends acquired? Who can say the exact moment they lose a dream? I think dreams can be taken from us slowly disappearing like fog in the morning, until suddenly we see clearly and what we see is realistic not tainted by our false hopes. I’m sure this sounds too honest to you...I hope it does. However, don’t misunderstand me. I think the fog of a dream was intended for us all and no matter how real life becomes to us we should fight to keep it close to remain surrounded in it. I hope to find my fog again. ..I hope you do too.

What?

Sometimes I wonder what defines me. ..what sets me apart. I think that so many people will easily believe that how we live our lives set us apart from others. The risks we take make us leaders. The way we handle disappointment or rejection makes us graceful. The way we interact will make us as mind-numbing or one of a kind to those around us.
We strive to be unique in so many ways. We put ourselves in boxes in order to make ourselves stand out or just generally define ourselves to make it easier for other to understand us. We play by the rules and change ourselves to make others feel comfortable. We write about ourselves on WebPages, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace. We choose songs that define us and art that suits us. We choose a type of style to dress in, a type of guy to like, and a type of music to listen to.
Sometimes I wonder what would be left of us without these things? Without these tangible objects and choices..who am I really?
Faith? My faith, in which I often mold to make people feel comfortable around me…I keep my opinion’s in with liberals, I try not to disagree with conservatives, I talk about my Nazarene history in the Nazarene world. I try not to push my beliefs on the people around me. Is this wrong? The funny thing about being judged is that it seems so unloving in the pursuit of a concept that is wrapped in love. What do I do? What do I do when all the people I love around me make bad choice after bad choice? What do I do when they refuse God, criticize Him, and make fun of Him? What do I do when I am judged by my Christian community for being around these people? What do I do when I feel like the Christian bubble is wrong, yet, I feel like the life is getting suck from me in the world. I feel like I have failed in so many ways…but don’t we all? Isn’t that the point? To fail, to cling, to cry, to want more, to feel lost, to feel found, to just feel…and hold on to faith and Christ through it all….through it all.
Coming up for air after a long dive into a swimming pool is necessary...that is how I feel after the past few months…like I’m drowning and struggling…. clinging to what I know. I don’t know if I am worthy of the air I gasp for all I know is that I want it….it is what defines me.